When someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying "Here, YOU throw this out"

Mitch Hedberg reminds me of driving to Hunt's with Joe and hanging out with Val last summer. He's hilarious...so here are some of my favourites!

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.